Unproductive Day

So, today was very unproductive for me. I like to get shit done on my days off everyweek but it was so hot outside that I didn't want to leave the comfort of my central air. I pretty much just Facebooked and had a lazy day. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. I signed up for weekly emails from this online program for people with Panic Disorder. Today's was very interesting. The first thing you need to do is tell yourself to have a panic attack it said. People with this disorder constantly fear having one so they try to prepare themselves to automatically have one. So to change the cycle of thinking, it said to tell yourself to have one. It will stop the normal cycle of thinking in your brain. So, I thought what the hell. I left tonight to run to the store and as I was on John Glen Boulevard, where I usually start to feel panic, I told myself to have one. I didn't. Maybe this will be a start. Let's hope. Tonight we decided to order out. I figured we could get pizza and wings. Something simple, we haven't had it in a while. 2 of the three places we called wouldn't deliver because it was so slow. Sean got mad and was telling them how they were losing business. I just wanted to hurry the hell up and find another place. I am so impatient. I think it ties in with the anxiety. I started looking up special "words of wisdom" today. Maybe that will help during panic. Let's hope this is the day to a new beginning.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

I don't think I officially introduced myself in my earlier posts. My name is Matt and I live in Liverpool, New York (Syracuse Area). I am 28 and have a great guy in my life. My partners name is Sean and we have been together for over 4 years now. I am a Restaurant Manager for Denny's. I went to college for Business Administration and seem to stay in the restaurant industry. There is something else that not many people really know about me. I have Anxiety and I believe Panic Disorder. I have yet to be diagnosed because I am never really fully honest. I have been on anti- depressants but they don't fully work for me, I still have anxiety. I actually took myself off them a year and a half ago and thought I was starting to feel better but in reality I was getting progressively worse. Everyday my stomach would be in knots and I would end up vomiting. The drive to work is barely tolerable. I started losing weight. I get the panic attacks because I think about them. I think about them meaning, I hope I don't have one but the thinking about it tends to cause me to panic. I just recently started getting anxiety when I'm stopped at a red light. Especially if people are next to me and I can't go anywhere I feel stuck. I've learned that is called Agoraphobia. I feel fine when I'm home, its when I'm not is where I get anxiety and/or panic. Mt first panic attack was when I was 23. I had partied all night with friends and we were on I-4 in bumper to bumper traffic. All of a sudden my mind started racing and I felt really weird. I ended up burying my head in my friends lap. That was the beginning of something that has changed my life forever.