Unproductive Day

So, today was very unproductive for me. I like to get shit done on my days off everyweek but it was so hot outside that I didn't want to leave the comfort of my central air. I pretty much just Facebooked and had a lazy day. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. I signed up for weekly emails from this online program for people with Panic Disorder. Today's was very interesting. The first thing you need to do is tell yourself to have a panic attack it said. People with this disorder constantly fear having one so they try to prepare themselves to automatically have one. So to change the cycle of thinking, it said to tell yourself to have one. It will stop the normal cycle of thinking in your brain. So, I thought what the hell. I left tonight to run to the store and as I was on John Glen Boulevard, where I usually start to feel panic, I told myself to have one. I didn't. Maybe this will be a start. Let's hope. Tonight we decided to order out. I figured we could get pizza and wings. Something simple, we haven't had it in a while. 2 of the three places we called wouldn't deliver because it was so slow. Sean got mad and was telling them how they were losing business. I just wanted to hurry the hell up and find another place. I am so impatient. I think it ties in with the anxiety. I started looking up special "words of wisdom" today. Maybe that will help during panic. Let's hope this is the day to a new beginning.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

I don't think I officially introduced myself in my earlier posts. My name is Matt and I live in Liverpool, New York (Syracuse Area). I am 28 and have a great guy in my life. My partners name is Sean and we have been together for over 4 years now. I am a Restaurant Manager for Denny's. I went to college for Business Administration and seem to stay in the restaurant industry. There is something else that not many people really know about me. I have Anxiety and I believe Panic Disorder. I have yet to be diagnosed because I am never really fully honest. I have been on anti- depressants but they don't fully work for me, I still have anxiety. I actually took myself off them a year and a half ago and thought I was starting to feel better but in reality I was getting progressively worse. Everyday my stomach would be in knots and I would end up vomiting. The drive to work is barely tolerable. I started losing weight. I get the panic attacks because I think about them. I think about them meaning, I hope I don't have one but the thinking about it tends to cause me to panic. I just recently started getting anxiety when I'm stopped at a red light. Especially if people are next to me and I can't go anywhere I feel stuck. I've learned that is called Agoraphobia. I feel fine when I'm home, its when I'm not is where I get anxiety and/or panic. Mt first panic attack was when I was 23. I had partied all night with friends and we were on I-4 in bumper to bumper traffic. All of a sudden my mind started racing and I felt really weird. I ended up burying my head in my friends lap. That was the beginning of something that has changed my life forever.

Are you serious?

Today was a normal day at Denny's. I was short staffed with servers. I got to deal with the late night cooks bitching about how hot the line is because our air conditioning needs to be fixed for the back of house. I swear one cook had a melt down. I reassured her Monday I would follow up with the company that is supposed to fix it. Then at 1:30 am I get a call from an old friend and some personal problems arise which I wont blog about yet. Drama. I hate the gay life, I am so tired of bullshit. Why can't things go well when they seem well? I know life isn't perfect, nothing is. However, why can't trust always be a big factor. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Well, shame shame shame on me I guess. Montana in 2 months, Miami in 3. Can't wait to let loose on south beach! Hot sand, gorgeous water, now come on, what a nice vacation. Get the fuck outta Syracuse and forget the shit here. Well, until tomorrow....

Today

Well today was an ok day. I worked the usual night shift at Denny's. It wasn't that bad. We were a little busy from graduations. I partied like hell after my graduation, I certainly wasn't thinking about eating. I didn't have much anxiety thank god. I love working with Maggie. She is our newest member of management. She gets frustrated like we all do with people. I just try to keep her in a positive mood so she doesn't give up and quit. I have had that feeling many times, but, I keep going forward. I wish I were rich. Like, could you imagine not ever having to go to work and still have lots of money?? Sounds like a dream come true. Alas, but, for the most of us Middle class citizens those dreams stay just that, dreams. They say life is what you make of it. What if you don't know what to make of it, then what? I guess I'm asking a question that I can't really get an answer to. I'm soo glad its summer. I love it. I actually love New York during the summer. New York is nice during the summer and fall. Anyother time of the year I hate it here. I can't wait to move south. Eventually we will get there and when we do, maybe I will be truly happy. I love the thoughts of long summer days, lazy days even. Lemonade stands, weeping willow trees, the old architecture of the houses. I want that. Thats all I have ever really known I wanted. Well, time for a smoke until tomorrow kids.

A Great Day

Today was a good day. Good in the fact I feel like I accomplished what I wanted to do. I did laundry, housework, went shopping. I like my days off from work. I wish I didn't have to work. But, Alas...I do. I like being able to have the things I want in life. Although half the time I don't really know what I want. My career is something I pretty much have just stayed with because Its what I'm used to. Restaurant Management. I have literally worked in restaurants since I was 16. It comes easy to me, but, I don't necessarily like it. I hate dealing with rude customers, scam artists and needy employees. But, I do. Plain and Simple. I don't know what I really want to do with my life. I have tried other things, but, don't like them and I job flip. On a positive note, I bought a new comforter set today. It was regularly priced at $250.00 and I paid $75.00. Woo hoo! It came with the comforter, 2 shams, a bed skirt and 3 decorative pillows. I love shopping, especially for my apartment. I like things to look nice and classy. We just moved into a new apartment and I have been going crazy spending money on decorating. Maybe I should be a Decorator? Hmmm.

The Marlboro Ranch

So, on March 11 I received an E-mail from Marlboro saying I was invited to The Marlboro Ranch in Montana, having specific eligibility requirements. All I had to do was RSVP. I had just got home from work and it was like 2 am. As I sat there having a cocktail, I didn't really believe it. I thought, "this must be spam or something". I went to bed that night and ended up mentioning it to Sean. He was ecstatic and saying how it was legit and that I really did win. So I RSVP'd to Marlboro. A couple weeks later I got an envelope Via Fed Ex. It was from Marlboro and had the Pre Trip documents for me, The Invitee and my Guest, to fill out and have notorized. They do a background check on you and your Guest and if you have any felony's or certain other bad crimes in your past, you will be disqualified. Well we filled out our paperwork and took it to have it notorized and sent it back to Marlboro. Almost a month later, April 19 I reeceived another Fed Ex envelope from Marlboro and it was my congratulation letter saying all my paperwork had been done and I was "Officially" Invited. We are going August 15-18, 2010. We are ecstatic. We have picked our activities and we are doing the Back Country Tour around the ranch, fly fishing and driving the Humvees. I wanted to go to yellowstone national park, hoping it was still an option as it has been in the past. It isn't an option now unless weather doesn't permit us to do our regularly scheduled activities. This is an all expenses paid trip from Marlboro. I apparently was randomly chosen from their mailing list. I get coupons off their website and they do have a lot of promotions regularly. I will receive a check for $750.00 to pay taxes on the trip next tax season. On August 2, 2010 we will receive the airline tickets and check. We should also be getting luggage from them too. After we arrive there, they will have a lot of gifts in our room for us. Cowboy hats, cowboy boots, a digital camera, cigarettes, watches, etc. I have heard it is a trip of a lifetime. I am very excited but am dreading flying out there. I guess it will be worth it though!!